Although most leaders recognize the power and importance of collaboration, achieving it remains elusive in many organizations. As tensions rise and emotions get heated, the tendency for interactions to become polarized is common, which can severely hinder effective teamwork. In such moments, leaders may feel the urge to assert their authority, leveraging their position to push through conflict and force cooperation. However, this approach often leads to long-term resentment, frustration, and missed opportunities for genuine collaboration.

Instead of relying on authority or coercion to resolve conflicts, leaders can cultivate a collaborative presence—one that allows for better handling of challenging interactions. Transitioning from authoritative to collaborative leadership requires practice, but when done correctly, it can transform difficult situations and restore momentum to stalled collaborations. Below are best practices that can help leaders make this shift, fostering an environment where collaboration flourishes, even in the most challenging circumstances.

1. Don’t Take It Personally: Separate Yourself from the Situation

One of the most significant challenges leaders face in difficult interactions is the tendency to take things personally. When emotions are high, and team members express frustration, disappointment, or even anger, it can feel like a personal attack on your leadership, decisions, or character. This reaction is natural but can be damaging if not managed effectively.

The instinct to fight back, defend yourself, or withdraw in silence often only intensifies the conflict. Instead of succumbing to these urges, it’s more productive to focus on changing your own response, not reacting to the emotions or actions of others. This requires an understanding that what team members say and do is often more about their own experiences, biases, and personal frustrations than it is about you.

Each individual brings their own unique history, values, and emotional conditioning to the table, which influences how they perceive and react to situations. Therefore, when someone seems upset or critical, it’s important to recognize that their feelings are primarily about their personal perspective, not necessarily about you or your leadership.

By consciously choosing not to take things personally, you create space for a more thoughtful and measured response. This shift in perspective can be enormously liberating, both for you and for your team. When you detach from the emotions of the moment and refrain from reacting personally, it becomes easier to remain calm, listen actively, and engage with others without being drawn into defensive or reactive behaviors.

Even having just one calm, fully present leader can make a tremendous difference in a tense situation, helping to de-escalate emotions and refocus the team on the larger goal.

2. Do Take It Personally: Reflect on Your Role and Contribution

While it’s important not to take everything others say personally, there are times when it’s necessary to reflect on how your own actions and decisions contribute to the dynamics of the situation. In order to grow as a collaborative leader, it’s essential to regularly examine your own role in any given conflict or challenge.

This means taking responsibility for your actions, behaviors, and decisions, as well as understanding how they may have affected the team. Even if a conflict or issue is primarily driven by someone else’s reactions or frustrations, it’s valuable to ask yourself: “What could I have done differently?” “How did my leadership contribute to the situation?”

Taking personal responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong, but it does mean being open to recognizing areas where you could improve. This mindset shift is key to breaking the cycle of reactivity that often traps teams in a loop of conflict. When you own your role in the situation, it allows you to step out of defensive postures and into a space where change is possible—both for you and for the team.

Additionally, when a team member expresses anger or frustration toward you, it may be a sign that there is something valuable for you to learn about how you’re perceived or how your leadership style is affecting the team dynamic. It’s important to use such feedback, whether implicit or explicit, as an opportunity for growth. Self-reflection is a powerful tool that can help you become more self-aware and, by extension, a more effective leader.

3. When in Doubt, Move to Inquiry: Shift from Telling to Asking

In situations where collaboration is stalling or tensions have reached a boiling point, it’s easy for conversations to become one-sided and transactional. Rather than engaging in open dialogue, team members might become entrenched in their positions, repeating their views, pushing their agendas, and attempting to convince others of their ideas. These “tell-fests,” as they’re sometimes called, tend to be filled with a lot of assertions and very little listening. The result is often a frustrating deadlock, where no one feels heard and the potential for collaboration diminishes.

To move past this impasse, a leader can shift the conversation from telling to inquiry. Instead of continuing to assert your own perspective or pushing your own agenda, take a step back and engage in genuine curiosity. Ask questions, seek to understand, and listen deeply to what others are saying. This transition from “telling” to “asking” opens up the conversation, encourages others to share their perspectives, and creates room for learning.

When you move to inquiry, you invite other team members to explore their own thoughts and feelings in a way that deepens the collaborative process. Inquiry helps to clear communication blockages and allows the conversation to flow more freely. The key to successful inquiry is genuine curiosity—not just going through the motions or asking questions to make it appear as if you’re interested.

A true inquiry approach involves letting go of your own agenda long enough to be fully present with your team. When team members sense that you’re genuinely curious and interested in their perspectives, they are more likely to open up and engage in a meaningful dialogue. This, in turn, leads to better problem-solving, stronger alignment, and more effective collaboration.

Conclusion: Building a Collaborative Leadership Culture

Shifting from authoritative to collaborative leadership is not an overnight transformation. It requires continuous effort, self-awareness, and a commitment to creating an environment where open dialogue and shared problem-solving are the norms. By following these three best practices—detaching emotionally and not taking things personally, taking responsibility for your own role, and fostering a culture of inquiry—you can begin to move away from a rigid, command-and-control leadership style and towards one that emphasizes collaboration, creativity, and shared ownership.

With consistent practice, these shifts in mindset and behavior will not only transform how you lead but also how your team works together. As you build stronger relationships and foster a more open, communicative culture, collaboration will become more natural, even in the most challenging of situations. Ultimately, this shift will lead to better decision-making, stronger team alignment, and a more resilient organization, where people feel empowered to contribute, learn, and grow together.